Friday, 1 January 2010

one response to test those christians

in the mildly funny article test those christians it suggests a series of tests you can impose on a door knocking evangelist. the author begins with a description of an annoying situation:
Just when you get home for a private, intimate interlude with your lover comes the event stopping knock, knock of the True Christian. What the hell is a normal sane person to do? Go crazy, scream, defecate nude on the floor while in full view of the True Christian? No. We test them. As I presume that like me you are a non-believer too we can have a little fun.
first of all, if i was just about to make love to somebody, i certainly wouldnt answer my door i would just ignore it. i certainly wouldnt be willing to put something that joyous on hold. if they keep knocking or ringing the doorbell, then you just run over to the door and either yell through a nearby window for them to get lost or let out a dog or something, then get back to business =) save yourself some trouble to and hang up a "no solicitors" sign outside your door. so the article really is irrelevant for any intelligent person with better things to do with their time, but for those of you who arent i guess this is right up your alley and just might give you something to do on a lonely friday/saturday night...

the bottle of feces and urine test:
Ask your friend if they have cast out demons. Do they speak with tongues? Have they laid their hands on sick persons who were healed?

If so take a bottle from storage prepared especially for the test. It should be filled with (non)toxic, pukey looking stuff that smells to high heaven. Urine and excrement should do. Cap the bottle tightly while in storage. And for heavens sake wrap it in something to hide the mess from sight. In the Bible read Mark 16:17-18 which says that True Christians can pick up serpents and drink harmful things without suffering. Ask our unsuspecting testee to chug the whole bottle. If they object saying "thou shalt not test God" respond by saying that you are testing them, not God. God is not around to be tested anyway. If they don't chug-the-jug you can safely assume they are not a True Christian, only a fraud. Send them away.
"if so..."? as if casting out demons and healing people isnt impressive enough? =)
i think the author also assumes (and i agree) that this is an example of a moron, because nobody intelligent would submit himself to these silly tests and they would be able to see right through this guy and would just move on.
but for arguments sake and to teach the morons, how about these kind of responses?:
1. i can drink that, but i just dont want to. like you, im also interested in finding people who are genuine, so i dont have a lot of time to play games. have a nice day.
2. the scripture you cited mentions "deadly" so go get some ammonia and bleach and mix them together in the solution to make it really deadly. (do you think the guy really wants a dead guy on his porch? even if he does it you could just take the bottle to the police and say that the guy threatened you with this deadly gas bomb. after all it has his dna in the bottle. but i really suggest you just leave)
3. youre not testing me, you asking me to test god. its not me who will save me from poisons, it is gods power. as a true christian i choose not to test god. i choose to follow jesus' example on the pinnacle of the temple (from the temptation of christ). do you know the story? (youre now asking him the questions. you can then explain that jesus refused to test god when the devil asked him to throw himself off the temple so the angels would catch him.)
4. ok ill do it. and since you already accept and believe that i can cast out demons, speak in new tongues and heal people, then by me surviving this test you would then accept that i am a true believer, thus you believe in christianity (and the snake test is really not relevant since non-true-christians can do the same thing), so would you mind first driving with me to my lawyers office to sign a contract stating that you will give me your house and all you own (i am invoking upon you the previous test you invoked upon me about not denying those who ask)?

arguing, or rather, debating can be fun sometimes, but lets just not waste each others time. agreed? =) you usually will never convince anybody of anything. convincing is usually done by the individual himself after a good deal of contemplative afterthought.

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